Masquerade of Depravity

sliding into the vortex
holding on to core building walls
unstable seeping down through the crevice

i’ve been here before

I remember his eyes hungry and full of need a side to him only i seem to see, and only when we are alone, the sadistic look that cross’s his them as he pulls me down to fall with him, letting the passion and lust spiral around us, capturing us, consuming us moving through us, capturing every nerve every part of us and what and who we are. I move atop of him, his hands holding me resting against my hips before moving to explore my breasts, and my mind fogs, i can not think through the lust of how he feels under me, the way his body presses gassing mine, it is like we are a jigsaw that slides so comfortably together. His cock feels huge in me as i move grinding against him, shivering every touch sending electric shocks along my spine, and i can not think, i am lost in him, the feel of him growing harder and harder in me. I look at him and he is lost too, we are lost together in our passion, growls that slip from him lips his movements just urge me on into the chaotic spiral of lost as he draws nails down my back and pulls me forward teeth finding themselves locked into the flesh of my next as we gasp together, passion captured together …and we are spent….

creeping down through the crevice
i’ve seen there before
fragile these teeth are razor sharp
been through been through the vortex
dissolve and disintegrate

A point is reached as he slides down my body his mouth finding me, tongue dancing on ,my lit as only He knows….capturing my perching in his teeth as he pulls gently sending rivers of lust coursing through me, some would see this as a submissive act, but oh no, not how he holds me, this isn’t his time to pleasure me, this is his time to play me, he enjoys that you can see it in his eyes, that look. he knows me so well he knows what every touch and every movement will do. he knows how to push me , and how to hold me, and how to gauge everything…how to control how and when i orgasms, how much i feel i feel how much i have to beg….whether he will let me go after i orgasm or if he will take me, pin me down and fuck me hard, crying and sobbing as i cry out no, but really inside i am shouting yes yes yes….

icicle the river is deep underneath
is all you see
draws you in from near or far
take me down through the crevice
i’m not here anymore
creeping down through
come in through the crevice
been through walls leaving it all

losing myself its so easy to be drawn in to lose my self int he lust , heavy lidded eyes ridden with lust, that can not se east the past that growing tendrils of passion that wrap around and envelop me……it takes my breath away, and holds me captured, being there so full of want and need i can not breathe….the cold sweep of pain that caresses over me, burning as it reaches deep in me transforming into a fire, consuming me. Lust is hot and powerful a fire that burns in me sweeping me down into that cascading endless swirl of pleasure……

into been through the vortex
and i’m so insoluble feel unstable
in at the core searching
through for perspective what your looking
for these teeth are razor sharp
these teeth are razor sharp
razor sharp sharp
feel unstable feel unstable razor sharp fragile

watching and waiting seeing and noting knowing what is to come, and hat prospect of that dances in me, holds it in me, he knows and she knows that there fate is already written there is no way that it will not happen….and that when it does it will be waves crashing down on them, consuming them and i will sit with fiery eyes watching still, feeding off that passion and that lust…..so fragile but so defined…..so lost in it already….

The way his hands rest against me always makes me shiver, this touch sends my breath quickening pace, my whole body aching for his touch, i feel compelled to entwine myself around him, to get every piece of him touching me, to be curled so tight against him he will never let me go.  And for him my hands can never leave him alone, a scrap of bare skin, will have my hands playing across his flesh, dancing their own tune, slowly teasing and tormenting across his tummy before slipping further down to encircle his cock….He however does not always want this, in the mornings he is grumpy and cross and i have learned to let him be till he comes to me, till he wants my touch and my love, and he gets that need he has that need to have my mouth slipped over his cock taking him in and teasing him till he has had enough…

Master always wants my touch, the smallest of touches are a reassurance and every small play of fingers across skin a symbol of affection and love, the simplest thing, a finger tracing across his cheek as i walk past, the soft kiss atop his head as i move from room too room, pottering about our home…..but in these touches the smallest of actions the fleeting touch, is that buried deep in them is a spark of lust and Master feeds off of this, he is always wanting and ready, it doesn’t matter if i were to proposition him in the middle of night, (and i have done) he would be there insatiable taking me as hard as he could, never refusing always wanting and sometimes wanting more than i can take, more than i can give, but that lust, that spark that ties our love and lust together….

She is a unbreakable mask, a flawless glance of everything hat has ever been thrown at her, if you look quickly you would never see those depths that lay under the cold hard Mistress exterior, but if you spend a moment just fraction of a second looking past that, there is her, softer, sweeter and more kitten like, her touch is as soft as it can be harsh….the way she craves touch the soft strokes the gentle hugs, actions without words that say so much more, but there is another part of her. A insatiable vixen that demands your attentions, that sidles her way up and seduces you, takes your kisses from your lips, and draw shivers from your bodies…….fingers that dance and tease and draw out pleasure, she is claws and teeth and lust, and endlessly playfull, the tease and the minx….

Today I am so distracted, I blame my hormones, my mind can not seem to linger on anything for more than a second before it wanders again contemplating far more inciting and interesting things…

I have a million stories at the tips of my fingers, words waiting to be let out, too fly across my screen and paint an elaborate picture, memories that seem to be haranguing me to be documented and written down, all jumping up and down at me demanding …me me me…

One thought I can not wipe from my mind, or sweep from my constant thought, is how much I want to be put over his knee and spanked..

There is something about being spanked especially across a knee, something personal private and very humiliating, feeling hands lash against the skin warming it creating heat, dragging whimpers from my lips and making me squirm under his hands. Something that makes me lose myself, till I am a sobbing whimpering wreck begging for more, begging for him to hurt me more, to fuck me, to take me, to make me his. With my pain comes ownership he knows he has me captured and supplicated, that in that moment I would do anything for him, anything he asked, and I am his. In that chaotic furling of my mind, that dances with pleasure and pain the only thing I can focus on is that I want him Him, and I want to please him, I want to be pleasing, and I want to hear those words, those words that mean so much …’good girl’  so simple yet full of so much meaning.

and I drift…

kissing, kissing her, kissing them, times I have kissed and those memorable kisses, kissing in the rain, soft feminine lips, the feeling of breast pushed against breasts fingers dancing over feminine curves. The way she tastes, the way they taste, a girl slips always so much sweeter softer, the way you can never kiss a girl without it being embroiled in sensuality and eroticism, girls kiss better…..its a clear fact…Remembering hazy days of lust and wanton pleasure, losing myself in her , in her curves and in her lust…exploring and playing always fun, always sensual and always exciting. And new lust, of things to come, things I want too do, the entrancement of her lips, wanting wondering…withholding.
And it seems my passion is back my lust, the one thing that seemed to slip away from me for a while, is sat purring sweet nothings in my ear, enticing me, and encouraging me, that naughty feeling of  reprehensible behaviour….that knot in my tummy urging me along..

for now I must behave…
……and bring myself back to reality I am meant to be working, not drifting  along in my own fantasy world…

Its been a while, but things are going to change…I will start blogging again, for now though this entry is demanded of me by the Tease….and with the added requests of Mistress Cara…a girl could think that perhaps this is wanting to be read…

I find it hard writing this,  there is something in me that wants to say no, and not put my thoughts down that wants to keep this private and hidden. But I no longer have this choice, I have been told to write it and write it I shall for as much as I like to rebel to fight to be made to submit, in my heart I am theirs and if this is their wish then so be it…I will write out my shame and my humiliation

There is two type of ways I have sex with them, there is the frantic, “fuck for fucks sake” the intense losing ourselves in each other, letting the passion ride us consume us till we end up in a heaped mess, frantically panting spent and sated where we fall into a dreamless sleep, or there are those times, where I lose myself and hand everything that is me over to them. let my whole being be consumed by them, they hold me and dominate me and push me. And oh how they push me….

This is one of those times, those hazy chaotic times where I lose myself, my mind reeling as I feel him in me,  Masters cock buried deep in my throat, he pushes my head down hard, making me swallow against him, I am blinded by the tears that fall, I can’t help myself, as I am forced harder on to Masters cock, I feel the tease slam into me hard, he always fucks me violently it is what he likes, it is how he is….and with each thrust I feel my body grow tighter, my knees buckling as he pushes me forward on too Masters cock, until I am gagging, my whole body constricting with each thrust, my cheeks wet with tears, holding back the sobbing as I feel the flow of pleasure running across me an id know I am going to orgasm, and I know as I feel them swell in me both of them that they too will orgasm….but this time I can not beg for realise and I let it consume me, perhaps I should ha awaited perhaps I should of waited till I could beg but that choice is removed from me.  I am moved, they pull away from me and I am laid upon my back and I feel Master move to lay against me, his teeth finding my nipples, teasing the metal that slides through them, the Teases fingers move to slip inside me, and he moves his fingers in the way that only he seems to be able too do, teasing and scratching against my g-spot. Its bliss, but it is blissful torture, riding that line between pain and pleasure, it feel too much, too much to take but I have no choice as Masters hands move to pin me,  my legs held down by the Tease as the tears continue to fall, I can not squirm and I can not wriggle away. The building throb in my body hurts, they know how much to push me, and now I am no longer in control of my body as I am urged , a whisper in my ear  commanding me to orgasm…..and I let it go, my whole body writhes against the arms that hold me down, wave after wave of pleasure crashes over me, my breath ragged as I sob into the orgasm, and then I pray it will stop. I feel myself flood, my thighs grow wet with my pleasure and I move….my mind reels at this point, did I lose control, did I wet myself or was it something more,  I can not take any more. It hurts, but yet those fingers move in me, I writhe and try to escape….but no, the hands around me grow firmer I am stuck, I sob uncontrollably, trying to escape the torture, they have never pushed me so far so hard, forcing orgasms from my body, I can not see for the tears, my whole body is racked now with sobs, and finally they let me go, when I am so close to uttering those words, these word that would end everything, they let me go and I curl up, tiny and small.

Its mid-afternoon and I am in bed with him,  the hangover slowly seems to be abating, slipping from my system, leaving my head warm and fuzzy, I lay wrapped in his arms, my body pressed against his, moulded around him , hands trailing over him, slipping under his t-shirt, letting my hand slip slowly along his tummy, finger tips just grazing along the top of his jeans as I move closer lips catching along his neck breathing him in. We kiss, softly slowly languidly and his fingers move to slip into my knickers teasing across my clit  sending tendrils of pleasure sweeping through me slowly teasingly, as his fingers move in teasing circles, catching the metal through my clit, the slow throb of arousal building. I can not help now what I say,  the words flow from me,  fuelled by my own lust my own arousal as I press into his fingers as they search deeper, parting  me. I spin stories into his ear breath catching as I almost whisper the things I wish him to do to me, the things I want him to try with me. Heady fantasies I usually wouldn’t admit too, but here now in this moment, I want it and I want it all…..

His fingers move more frantically in me, tormenting my g-spot, I writhe against him one hand moving to slip into his trousers freeing his cock as I slowly tease it gently in my hand. Squirming against him I am lost to the fantasy I am creating, the images in my mind playing the scene out before me,  words are failing now, as I seem to not be able too catch my breath. My back arches as I feel myself tighten and contract around his fingers as the orgasms over takes me. Teeth biting into his shoulder as I shudder against him his fingers still teasing me making me shake before they slip from me, leaving me feeling empty as my body seems to throb of its own accord. It wasn’t enough, it sometimes isn’t I always want more. The door opens and Master enters I lay there huddled with the tease and watch almost predatory as he enters the room to lay beside me,  I can not help myself yet again as my hand finds his cock, slipping aside the folds of the kimono he wears and encircling it as I look at him. I know my eyes show the lust that courses through me and consumes me, and I know I will have him there is no way I can not. I torment his cock, softly teasingly as I move to press my body against his , the tease behind me arms encircling me, as I talk to him, tell him how much I want to see him with K, see them together, see how their bodies play against each-other’s, see her pleasure him. Be lost in their pleasure, see them lose themselves in each-other, those small sounds of pleasure they make, the look in their eyes and how they kiss.  I can not help it part of me, such a large part of me is a hopeless voyeur, and in my mind now I have to have it, I have to see it. I slip from the bed, and move softly across the hall to where K is , I lead her back to the room, one small double bed for the four of us, she moves around to Master as I slip between the tease and him. I dip my head down and take his cock in my mouth relishing in the taste in the feel, those soft twitches that happen when I slide my lips over him, encompassing him, taking him deep into my throat, and then the tease joins me, and I watch fro a moment, seeing his lips slide where mine. The slow throb if lust courses through me and I look up and I see him and K kissing, lips crushes against each-others as hands move across each-other  I move from Him and let her slide on to him, as I move to run my tongue over the teases cock  before kissing along his body my lips finding his. We break the kiss and turn to watch to see them fuck,  her  atop of him, body pressed against his my fingers reach out and trace the curve of her breast before she lifts slowly and I slowly softly tweak her erect nipple, softly rolling it in my fingers, as she moves, him moving in a sensuous languid way as she pushes his cock deeper into her.  I move to slide atop of the tease mirror the movements of the lovers beside me, I slide him into me, my muscles holding him tight swollen and aching from his fingers before, he feels hot in me it seems to make me burn and I circle my hips driving him deeper into me, still watching those next to me. I sit up a hand rested against his chest as I watch K move against him , his cock almost sliding from her before he lifts his hips, meeting hers and he is lost in her again. I tear my eyes from them and turn my attention to hi beneath me, moving teasingly,  sliding him almost from my body before slowly moving down on him taking deep into me, pulling muscles against him, feeling his cock twitch deep into me….

I need more, I beg oh so prettily, so sweetly, so desperately I need him to fuck me, I need to be on my hand  and knees, I need to feel him fuck me, hurt me ….and he promises he will hurt me, those few words sends flickers of need growing deeper in me.  As I move to kneel before him  I wait in anticipation I know this will not be gentle there will be no sensuality to this, this will be raw and feral and he will hurt me. He cannot help but hurt me, this is the nature of what we are, of who we are, and this is what we both crave. He slams his cock into me my back arches as I push back into him I can not help but cry out as he onslaughts me,  my mind drifts and I lose myself in the pleasure and the pain, I am no longer me I am a product of what he does to me, at this moment there is no beginning or end just this…..

I look up just long enough too see we have been joined by N, is see his cock in K’s mouth and I am still being fucked and I am still lost

……to be continued.

There is this point, this point of acknowledgment between me and them, a unspoken word, a action that in that moment I know I am going to be pushed till I can take no more. Till I am crying and trying to scramble away from them, fighting them and wanting to escape from the pleasure that seems to cut like a knife, yet sends every part of me on fire.  Needing to fight away from their fingers, and their cocks, as they push me further and further forcing orgasm after orgasm from me, till tears stream down my face an I beg …no more, and in that instance in that very second I know that is what I want that is what I need I need that moment, I need to be pushed I need to feel alone and scared and, for that short while to not know how far will be too far.

Master behind me and the Tease next to me, hands entwined with his, his body almost over me, holding me there as Master fucks me, it’s like being consumed by fire, hot and all consuming wrapped up in the both of them, complete and unable to move. Feeling  that fire ride through me completely and utterly, taking over me, my reactions aren’t mine, they come a much darker place, the place where I want to be hurt and I want to be abused and I want to pushed to the very edge of reasoning.  I fight against him, feeling the power in his hands holding me there helpless as Master fucks me, my body betraying my actions as it tightens around him wanting him in me. I know I cannot escape from this, and deep down inside I know I do not want too. I feel the tears start to build as I feel him slam his cock in me again and again, the orgasm that loiters the prepuces hanging there threatening to overspill and completely engulf me, and as it does the tears spill over my cheeks and I beg , beg to be le t go, but the hands still hold me, there pinned as Master continues to fuck me. I cannot escape, teeth dig into my ear and a low growl sends shivers deep into me, sending that twisting feeling of arousal build and I know I am helpless, and yet I want more…but my words that spill from my lips say contrary I beg them to stop but still they continue. My mind lost on the sea of passion, constructs half formed fantasies things I wish they would do to me but I never speak, in this moment what I want would probably be too far, too much….

It all blends into a stream of tears, and pain and pleasure, no ending no beginning it just is, it moves through me. The teeth move to my neck pressing down on my flesh and how I so much want him to draw blood to hurt me completely. And he growls again and it consumes me it send thought spiralling from me and I want more of this I need more of this; I want him to give me more of this. The nails that curve across my back send scalding lines of pain and it flitters around me like a moth captured by a flame, dancing and turning into rivers of pleasure that seem to send every never alight….and I am owned completely….they have me,  I am theirs. Anything now they would wish from me I would give utterly and this they know as they relent and they move from me. I collapse into a sobbing ball collected and arms move to encircle me, hands move my hair from my face as lips kiss the tears away and I am comforted after the sweet sweet torment and I am safe and secure and content in their arms.

Photo courtesy of Twisted Monk (photo credit elizabethraab.com)

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or My Favorite Scene Memory

I have had a lot of scenes that I have loved and enjoyed and are etched forever in my memory, but I think the one that is etched the most is the time I lost my virginity – which set my values for good sex and opened my eyes to the world of BDSM although at the time I had no idea what it was all about…

I had lusted after him for the longest of times, and I had never really had  a chance with him, as far as he was concerned I was into girls….and I always thought he was too cool, too aloof to ever be into me… I spent a lot of time in his company, always wanting, but too shy to even flirt and when I did it was only ever due to the amount I had drunk..…But one day he promised me on my birthday if I could wait for him, then he would have me. He made me promise I would wait, I didn’t realise this at the time but this was the start of the power games….. But wait i did with baited breath.

The build up for the weekend of my birthday started with  discreet notes posted through the door of my parents house, black stationary with a blood red wax seal, he always had a flair for the dramatic and huge vampire obsession. These notes told me what was expected of me what he expected me to do, how He wanted me to look, corset, stockings – fishnet of course and nothing else no knickers for he found them unnecessary, with my long leather trench over the top, with heels no less than 5″ black and patent (not a easy task when you live in a very un-gothic sea side town)

I arrived at the pub where he lived nervous and shy, expecting it too be a joke but I did as he asked and shyly allowed myself to be guided to his room, a Gothic master piece of velvet and silk in black and red, with oh so cliche Sisters of Mercy being played quietly and a very large wrought iron bedstead, lavishly decedent and utterly terrifying. A  glass of Green Chartreuse was placed in my hand I accpeted, shaking and shivering with nerves and anticipation I gulped the heady liquier down. Although I was a virgin I had experience with women  and knew what sex was about, I had just never had straight sex.  I had only delved into feminine delights but knew well the mechanics of the female form,  but Males were a mystery to me.  The drink gone far too quickly for my liking,  I placed it carefully down and looked up and saw him stood there, his fingertips traced my cheek and ran along my neck, before he leant forward and slowly kissed me neck his capped teeth – oh so vampirish scraping agsint my skin, it was in that moment that I realised that yes this is what I want..

His hands moved over me as I stood entranced as his teeth dug into my neck, my knees shaking as I stood there, feeling the alcohol warm me form the inside… the buttons were swiftly undone on my coat and I was suddenly  left feeling venerable  my coat sliding to the floor with a soft swooshing that almost seemed to reverberate in my ears…..Hands swept over my near naked breasts and then down to my hips and he lifted me, his lips finding mine and carried me to the bed laying me down and snapping my hands into the cuffs he had prepared there….

His mouth seemed to consume me as his lips trailed over the swell of my breasts, fangs, and I lost myself in that moment,  there was no words between us, just actions, his kisses were passionate and interluded with the feeling of his capped fangs pressing agsint my lower lip, his hands were so gentle but at the same time hard as he pinched my nipples and scratched over my body leaving fiery red trails.   My mind made that first connection between pain and pleasure, one it has never forgotten.  He flipped me over my wrists crossing above my head pulling me by the hips down so I laid with my arms extended, his words were quiet mediated and demanded that be obeyed, my hips were to be lifted, and I was to remain quiet till told,. I had no idea what he was going to do too me till his hands started falling agsint my bare ass, and he spanked me for the first time, blazing red fire that coursed through me, I could not help but whimper and I tried not to beg to be let go, this was not what I had signed up for, but then….my body reacted to him, I lifted my hips higher I wanted him to hurt me more I needed him to hurt me more, I felt myself grow more aroused. writing under his blow as my thighs pressed close together pushing pressure on my lit…then he stopped…and leant forward and whispered in my ear….

“You are such a good girl, such a dirty little slut”

Those words woke me from my almost pain induced stupor as I turned my head to look at him with tear stained eyes, no words I could find apart from thank you, before he untied me, my shaking body pliable under his hands, He could do as he wished to me, I at that moment no no longer cared..…he moved me to my hands and knees and knelt behind me stroking his sharp nails over my burning flesh, making moon at his touch one hand snaked to cup my breast which was tumbling almost from my corset, finger pressing agsint my nipple squeezing it till I moaned , then he was pushing against me  I felt his cock try and force its way into me…. Growing scared my body tried to rebel, my muscles tightened down in protest, but a hand in my hair pulled me up on to my knees to rest with my against him, his cock poised to enter me…..he asked one question..

“do you want this”

I could not find the words to answer so I nodded as much as he could allow and my neck was brought to the side as he bit me, and forced his cock into me in one motion….I had never had sex before and it hurt but under that hurt was this throbbing pleasure, the pain at my neck where he bit me sending my mind reeling…and then he was fucking me, and fucking me hard.  This is not how I had ever envisioned myself loosing my virginity ..on my hands and knees, after begin spanked, no gentleness and softness, but this felt right this was me. I remember feeling the pain in my neck increase as I felt him slam into me, the pleasure overwhelming me and I orgasmed hard and shiver and shook as he held me tight. I lifted my hand to my neck and he broken the skin blood was trickling down my neck across my cleavage….and my whole body hurt but i wanted more, I wanted to taste him, descover him, and for the first time I found myself wanting to please Him, instead of my usual selfish ways of only ever gratifying myself.

We spent the next two days (Easter bank holidays are wonderful things) in bed together exploring and fucking, and after that nothing, that weekend was my time, and we never had sex again after that. But that experience has shaped my whole  attitude to sex, and though it was years later I finally discovered I was submissive, and allowed myself to delve into discovering BDSM, it is the one thing that I can put my finger on to say “this is why I am like I am” Perhaps he just saw something in me, and saw that submissive nature and drew it out, but for that I thank him, and will always remember him fondly. Even for never wanting me again, I can understand that too, it was too addictive for us both….It would have lead to heartbreak.

I think that maybe I am addicted to oral sex  I Know, I know I have blogged about this before but ( isn’t that way of addiction), it doesn’t helped that the Tease seems equally as addicted to oral sex, in the balance of me giving him receiving, and Master is also rather partial too it. I don’t know makes me so completely addicted and dependant on it,  but I relish every moment. The feel of them in my mouth the taste of them,  the way their cock seems to come too life in my mouth. I love to tease them from soft too hard, feeling their cock, grow till it hits the back of my throat and I swallow against it. They are both so different and yet so similar, the little things that makes one shiver and shake is different to the other, and I revel in these small thing, the small things that make them melt, that make me for a second feel like I have the power …….till my head is pushed down and my throat is fucked, sometimes it is Master some times it is the tease, but I melt at this moment and feel helplessly violated..…helplessly used.
And maybe that’s the thing that gets me, its that feeling used for someone else’s pleasure. The times when I have been on my knees, fucked hard as a cock is pressed to my lips and I slowly take it into my mouth for my head to be thrust down, gagging against it as they relentlessly  fuck me…..knowing each time I gag I squeeze them both, I wonder what happens if they push me to far…if they take it that step further..…it seems only a short step till my breath cuts out, and I have to struggle to let them breathe, which they do almost reluctantly…before thrusting my heaad down again, my vision swimming, and pule in my head, and that warm feeling of being turned on it hurts, wanting for them to take it further push me harder.
I can’t help myself I find my hands wandering and touching and teasing, and the next thing I know I am teasingly kissing along their navel till I find myself slowly taking  their cocks , and teasing them..….nibbling and licking them and relishing in every moment….loving the feel of them in my mouth. I love the fact that they tell me I give the best blow jobs ever, but how infantile the word “blow jobs” is , it should have a more guttural sound, it should dirty and depraved because to me it is, to me its a symbol of my submissive nature.

Sometime I stumble upon a blog and have a read over it and think, my opinions or experiences are very different and in this case my inspiration comes from Yossarian Lives – The blog of a unknown hedonist. I had recently bumped into him via twitter and thought well hey, fellow blogger, and did the blogger equivalent of  shaking hands and checked his stuff out.

His latest post entitled “How porn ruined my Sex life”  made me laugh, cry and then empathise with him,  but from a totally different point of view, a female point of view

My first foray into the world of porn and erotica, was at the age of 12 and stumbling upon my Dad’s “photography magazines” which had pictures of beautiful ladies with naked breasts and perfect bodies…. the glamour shots interested me and captivated me, and I took the magazines and cut out the pics and started making my own scrap book of beautiful pics, and how I longed to look like these women, the perfect curve of their breasts, and much more how I wanted them…And then my teenage world came tumbling down and my  mum found it confiscated it and called me depraved (which at the time made me feel special, not the effect she was going for I think ). I longed to look at these erotic images again and actively searched them out (though my Dad was no longer allowed photography magazines with glamour sections), feeling those first stirrings of lust and that wonderful feeling of being so turned on you can barely breathe , and feeling so naughty and wild.  And this is when i first discovered masturbation, its scary how easily  that first time my fingers just slipped down my body when I  was laid in the bath and finding that sweet spot, and that first orgasm which was so addictive, its was a  complete sexual awakening. And from then on i masturbated to the remembered images in my head, of those girls, of the way the light crossed their breasts and the way their body curved, soft and gentle, and how they would taste.

Porn however was very different, first time I watched it, it was a horrid experience . I was round a friends house at the age of 14 and he was watching hardcore German porn, with screams and writhing, and cum EVERYWHERE,  And to be honest I was aghast…… Was I meant to do “that” when I was having sex? Well I’m afraid the screaming and writhing and shouting “ich cummer” wasn’t really my idea for a good time, and I was put off, i didn’t want nasty boys and their penis’s coming anywhere me thank you very much. And much to my hosts chagrin I excused myself and left, just after he asked if wanted to “look” at his penis, i think he expected it to turn me on, to do something and it did nothing. So my first sexual experience was with a girl (now a porn star ironically) , who had those luscious curves and delightfully hard nipples, and no penis in sight.  This I think was very much dictated due to my shocking first porn experience, I could not even think about what I was meant to do having straight sex,  the porn pouts and yelling just was not me, and I had no interest in it, the sight of a boys penis made me laugh and I could see nothing sexual about it at all(how times change).

I did find  out a few years later that straight sex (with a BDSM twist – and that’s a entirely different story) was actually quite good and the porn shouts wasn’t  a requirement and infect were quite hard when you were being gagged…and sex was nothing like I had seen, it was intense and close, and intimate (somethign I think which is lost in porn) and had its own teasing eroticism that I had not witnessed in porn films. I remember hushed conversations with friends at the time about the porn videos they had seen, all held in whispers with giggling, and exclamations of horror and shock, yet those times we sat and watched one it did nothing for me, nothing at all…it just held mild amusement, even the girl on girl movies a ex once made me sit through.

..however one day I picked up a book, a black lace book and read it, and if I tell the truth i had never been so turned on in my life, reading the graphic words, the images that were painted in my head, the feelings that were described ebbed into my mind and took me over, and i was hooked….I got from reading erotica what so many of my friends got from watching porn. It became a small addiction of mine laying in bed with a book in hand and my fingers languidly playing over my clit teasing myself to orgasm time and time again as I breathed in the words and experiences in front of me. Most of what i learnt sexually was from these books, the techniques that were described, the way the people moved the feelings, and as I dove deeper and deeper into fetish books I found out I was more and more interested i the more extreme ends of the BDSM world.

Even now I choose reading erotica over watching porn, and i have yet to find anything that has made me want to masturbate, or even a hint of being turned on, but I see this as a personal challenge, I want to find something graphic and hot that gets to me in the way that first book did, I want it to send all my nerves alight and make me want to touch myself, I want that turned on knots in the belly feeling. I want to feel naughty and dirty and wanton…..and so I challenge you if you think there is something that will rock my world, then show me……